Gains and Losses

With all the driving around yesterday (see post below) we were able to see glimpses of the struggle that Katya is in right now. One minute she was happy and loving but the next she was sullen and pouting. She said at one point that she wanted to stay with her friends and the next minute she was hugging me, begging to leave to go to America and saying how much she loved me. I gently tell her that I love her so much and understand how hard it is to leave. I tell her that we will help her write letters and to even sometimes call her friends. I grieve for her having to face yet another loss. Even because of great gain.

She had a bit of a pout when there was a misuderstanding about what type salad she ordered at the pizza place. We fully expected this turmoil of emotions - it is difficult to leave what is familiar and the friends who have become like sisters. I think it speaks of the great longing in her heart that she never really second guesses leaving. She wants a family and it is crystal clear that the odds are not good for her here. Very bad actually. The 'here and now' is not horrible. Their basic needs are met, they have good friends, at least some of the caregivers truly show them love, there are engagin activities with school, sports, music, and dance. Despite all of that, the children do not have their needs for family and unconditional love met. They beg for hugs and crave attention. There is a hunger in their eyes and actions that you would never see in children who are in loving homes. That part of the 'here and now' is horrible. But even worse is the future - at sixteen they will leave the internot. They will be on their own with no basic life skills to manage money, find jobs, or be taught how to handle relationships. They will have no guidance, no encouragement, no mom to call when sad, no home to go to on holidays, no lasting, significant relationships that they can depend on. Very simply - no family.

Dr. David's blog recently discussed the fact that there is a prevalent lie that these children believe about the reality of their situation. A lie so deep that many older children will turn away an offer of hope. All they see is a loss of immediate gratification and freedoms.

And it would be dishonest to say that there is not a true loss for these children when they are adopted. There are significant losses. Katya feels these now. We do understand. They loose yet more relationships, familiarity, culture, language, and great deal of freedom. Simple freedoms like eating as much candy as they want, playing with fire, watching whatever on tv, dressing in whatever way they like, coming and going from the orphanage freely. What they do not realize is that these (and much worse 'freedoms' as they get older), threaten to hurt them beyond measure. For the older children it is freedom to drink excessively, smoke, have hurtful relationships with each other, steal, etc. No real 'freedom' in all that. Unspeakable sadness and pain is the reality behind the lie.

There are many gains, and from an outside, parental perspective, they clearly outweigh the current loss. We can see the bleak future and the painful present. But from a child's limited perspective it is not so clear. We understand that. We are incredibly grateful that Katya and Nastya have enough perspective and awareness of their needs to see that they need a family and need hope. Nastya - perhaps due to personality, perhaps due to age, perhaps circumstances - is just ready to go. She wants to be with us so badly. She is sad to leave her friends but doesn't really struggle with it. It melts my heart that she is so ready to go. Her joy at joining our family and finally going home outweighs her pain of leaving. But the struggle that Katya faces doesn't mean that the need in her heart is any less. In fact it might be more - she has just had more time to be convinced of and to enjoy the ever important 'freedoms'. She is unable to realize the slavery that those freedoms lead to. Why? One because she is a child. Two, because she is a child without guidance and teaching from loving parents. Three, because she is a human being. I recently commented in relation to this subject on Dr. David's blog post "Unaware of Their Peril" and thought it appropriate to add those thoughts here as well.

We are all decieved by the 'freedoms' that the world has to offer. All of us at one point don’t realize the peril of our eternal future. We think that we are really okay, really good people, or just don’t think past the alluring pleasures that this world offers. And then somehow, by the amazing grace of God, that facade is broken, and we suddenly (or sometimes gradually) come to realize our deep need for a Savior. Why are so many hearts and eyes shut to the desperate reality that we all face, apart from Christ? Why were all of our hearts closed for sometime? Because we are all decieved and, if we know Him, then somehow by the grace of God He revealed our need and His hope to us. And why me? Why did I ever see and come to Christ? I don’t know except that He pursued me when I wasn’t looking for Him and He brought me to Himself. He quite literally saved me from myself. But it wasn't easy for me. On that side, there were great losses (at least percieved) and I grieved them. I did not surrender easily and was bitter when I could only see the pain that some poor choices and life circumstances were causing me. I thought that I had lost so much. I had thought myself very happy and with a bright future. Oh and perhaps it was a bright future by how the world might measure success. But inside I was not happy and headed for worse.

Little could I see that through those difficult circumstances and losses, I was gaining everything. Oh thank you Lord that you didn't let me continue in my blindness! I see the bitterness I had towards God even when He was working good in my life. I couldn't see the future and didn't trust Him yet. I had to learn to trust as I came to know Him, and now I look back and shudder to think of all I would have missed if I had things my way. Our new daughters are learning to trust as well, but in the meantime they have fears and frustrations. I must try to love them as gently and patiently as my Father has loved me. I must protect them even when they don't think that they need it and continually remind them that I love them in the process. I must say no to things that hurt them. I must love them when they are angry and rebellious. Oh how God has lavished this type of love on me and He shows me how to love my children. And slowly I am still learning that His ways are perfect and that I can trust completely in Him - I still fail often in trusting Him. My children and I - we will learn together. I will try to copy His unconditional, redeeming love for me towards my children. I can only do this by His strength. I imagine God pouring His love into our hearts and it flowing through to them.

Why would we expect adoption to really be any different for our children than it is for us? They are facing some loss now but one day - perhaps far in the future, perhaps sooner - we pray that they will see what they gained. And that they will see that it was not us but God who is doing and will do this work in their lives.

Throughout nature as well as human history there is rarely beauty without pain. There is no good without bad, no comfort without sadness, no love without sacrifice, no gain without loss.

Philippians 3:7-8 But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ