I just started reading The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. Zach and I are finding it to be a worthwhile read. We are only in the first 25 pages or so, but out of many books that I have ordered - this one just seems to make sense. I agree with many of the views expressed so far and appreciate the compassionate viewpoint that is offered. Anyways, we've ordered several adoption books and most we never read past the first few pages because they've been on the negative side and very technical. At some point maybe we'll find them helpful but not for now.
My favorite have been biographical stories of adoptions but The Connected Child is the first 'helpful' book that I've wanted to recommend. As far as the biographical ones - here is a list of a few faves: The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazley, Finding Home by Jim Daly, Castaway Kid by R.B. Mitchell(this one is autobiographical by an adoptee - very insightful), and Saving Levi by Lisa Bentley.
Anyways, I'll post another update when we are further through it.
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Isaiah 61:3 To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified."
Welcome to the Potts' Adoption Journey
We are now HOME as of November 2nd, 2008 with two new precious daughters - Kateryna Grace and Anastasiya Joy.
If you want to read a bit more about how we happen to be on this journey, return to the beginning...
If you want to read a bit more about how we happen to be on this journey, return to the beginning...
8 comments:
When first decided to adopt, I ordered a bunch of adoption books on FAS, attachment, The orphaned child, etc. I got so depressed and had a near panic attack! I got to the place I almost decided to forget the whole thing. I know we need to go into with our "Eyes Wide Open" but the truth of the matter is every child has some difficulties and God is ultimately in charge of how any child turns out. That was what I had to believe or I would have gone crazy thinking about everything that could happen. We decided to deal with it as need be and not wait for the shoe to drop! Let me know if you read anything encouraging or helpful:) If you need books, let me know and I will ship off some of mine. I have High Risk, The Difficult Child, The strong willed child, Help for the helpless, Adopting the Hurt Child,The Connected Child and the Whole life adoption book. I read the same thing in all of them, basically all negative. By the way, The Connected Child was the only one I got anything from and that wasn't anything I didn't already know.
Like many other adoptive 'soon-to-be' parents, I read quite a few books. But pretty much only ones my friends (who had already adopted) recommended--that saved me lots of time and anxiety over the 'unworthy' books.
Now that our girls have been home almost six years I can honestly say that THE most helpful books have been, "Shepherding A Child's Heart" and "Heart of Anger". They have served as a wonderful (Biblical) foundation to build upon as we help our precious children learn to please God while they navigate a world that previously was very unkind to them.
I have followed the work and research of "The Connected Child" authors, and read selected chapters from the copy I borrowed from our library. I think they do a good job of helping adoptive parents be aware of some potentially significant challenges our kids may (or may not) have--many relating to 'trust' issues.
But, the one thing we as Christians must do is read the adoption related books/articles through the lense and filter of God's Word and principles. It certainly keeps us on our toes, but most definitely keeps our focus where it belongs--God's grace and mercy to us as we strive to raise our children for His glory.
I had to read what I said again and I couldn't agree with Connie more! She is so right about Shepherding your Child's heart. That is the book that has helped us most in raising our other two kids. I don't know why I bought psycho babble books in the first place. I think I thought I needed to prepare for the worst and then realized what I was doing! It really gave Satan a chance to attack me and my thoughts. God's grace and mercy is sufficient.
Thank you both SO much for your comments! I couldn't agree with you more about the pschyo babble books - Pam, I had to laugh when I read that b/c that's the same term Zach was using last night :) And Connie, we LOVE Shepherding A Child's Heart - it has really helped to shape how we parent our children. We wholeheartedly believe that God alone can heal the pain that these children have and that He alone can give us the insight we need into their hearts, as He knows them completely. (this is same with our bio kids as well)
All that said, we have so far found The Connected Child to raise certain issues that we may need to be sensitive to - so perhaps God can use it in that way. I really appreciate what you said, Connie, about reading books and articles through the lens of God's word - which is really true with anything we come across - even books by other Christians - to make sure it lines up with God's word.
I appreciate the reminder because it is easy to become distracted by 'experts' who think they know it all. Some of the methods I've come across are so ridiculous, they don't even make common sense moreless biblical sense, but others are more subtle.
Anyways, I am really glad to get into a discussion on here - keep it coming! And I would really like to look into the Heart of Anger - I've heard about that before but have never read it.
I/we found 'Heart of Anger' to be helpful as it lays out some of the characteristics and behaviors of an 'angry' person (see the book of Proverbs!!)
It also helps you better understand why someone might respond in an angry manner--which in the case of 'older' adopted children sometimes comes from being sinned against repeatedly (by bio. family, caregivers, peers inside and outside the orphanage, etc.).
This was a rather huge area/topic with our girls when they first came home. Not only had they clearly been sinned against, but they had responded sinfully to that mistreatment and embraced sinful responses that quickly had become sinful habits.
Of course, this was/is only a small piece of the puzzle since none of us are that simple in our behavior. But I certainly believe I became better equipped to recognize, address, and correct some problems early on and on-going.
Be encouraged, God has and will continue to equip you for what He calls you to do!
One other thought to share:
In 'Shepherding A Child's Heart' pay close attention to the chapter (#2???) where he details 'shaping influences'.
The 'shaping influences' of our adopted children often are 'normal' and comparable to those of a non-adopted child. However, when we consider that many of the 'shaping influences' or our adopted children were VASTLY different from God's gracious design, you can better recognize and understand why they may respond in ways we might never imagine (much less ever have encountered).
For instance, how might a child be 'shaped' by the fact that he/she never had a father in his/her life? Or, never could be confident that there would be enough food for another meal? Or, could rest assured that his/her mother would not angrily strike him/her? Or,...
"Shaping influences" are NOT to be used as excuses, but they serve to point us to our dependence on God and our need for a Savior.
I better understand my daughters when I purpose to consider these things and target my training (and prayer!) on God's design rather than on what 'was' in their life. It helps me pin-point their sinful response/behavior so that I can seek Biblical wisdom and counsel to help them focus on pleasing God.
Sorry, I've clearly dominated your comments today! But let me say one last thing, we have NOT arrived in our parenting/family!! We are still very much a family of sinners (three of whom have been saved by His marvelous grace). What I can and will say is we have seen His hand in every detail and recognize His work in and through us for His glory and our good! :-)
Connie, Thanks again for your encouragement and advice. I do plan to order Heart of Anger.
BTW, I am glad for all the comments - don't worry about 'dominating the comments'!
Connie, I look forward to your comments too. I am enjoying your blog on adoption excouragement. Check it out Stephanie if you haven't already. It is a great confirmation of what I already believed to be right. It makes so much more sense than the psycho babble:)
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