Kiev!!! And Almost Home!!!

Here in Kiev tonight after dinner On the way a few nights ago...they were so cute!!
Today we finally got to meet our great friends (via blog for the past 6 months) Kevin and Pam. They are on their way to their region tonight! Great to finally meet you in person guys - in Kiev no less!!
Yummy desserts tonight!

We made it to Kiev late on Wednesday night. There was some crazy running around in Zhytomyr to get passports finished. Basically we waited ALL day and had yet one more tearful goodbye from the orphanage... We kept thinking that any minute it would be time to pick up the passport. Then all the sudden it was time and we had to rush, rush, rush!!! Basically Ukraine seems to have two speeds - whirlwind fast or wait, wait, wait! You think you are waiting forever and then all the sudden you want to beg to slooooow down just enough to catch your breath! After the slow long wait of the past 10 to 14 days, the last three days have been nonstop - therefore no time until now to post!

We got to Kiev at 10:30 Wed. night, had our medical yesterday morning and then barely slipped into the Embassy before it closed. My hand ached from all the forms I had to fill out :) The Embassy is closed technically today but they are reopenning for us so that they could process the girls' visas! How nice - we were very impressed with the service that they gave to us. So after many more hours of sitting at the Embassy today (which we were more than happy to do) - we walked out with visas in hand!!! Wooo-hoooo!!! America here we come!!!

We are so thankful for all the people who have worked overtime to pull all this together with such a tight timeframe to get us on that plane Sunday. Not the least of which is our facilitator. Thank you N!!!!

We are settled in a nice apartment in Kiev and are actually sleeping good now!!! How nice to be in an actual bed!!! And while Kiev is about triple in prices, we don't even care - it is so great to be here. One more day in Ukraine and we come home!!! We plan to do some sightseeing tomorrow, some souvenier shopping, and maybe go to Hillsong Kiev church service tomorrow night.

We will practically not sleep tomorrow night since we have to be at the airport by 4:00 am which means we have to leave by like 3:00 am. Who needs sleep anyways?!? We can sleep on the plane and hope the girls will too!

Bittersweet Goodbyes...

On Sunday we finally were able to take the girls with us. It has been wonderful to have them with us but a very emotionally hard time for them (and us) to say goodbye to their lives here. They keep asking if they can come visit for their birthdays or something like that. Nastya wants us to buy a second house here :) If only it were so easy.



It is a blessing for the girls that it has been so hard to say goodbye to their friends and to caregivers.

A blessing because it means that the last two years they have had deep, loving relationships with each of their friends and several caregivers - especially Alla. But it makes it harder right now. They are actually doing pretty well. They want to go home. What has made it harder is that we have had not one, not two, but three emotional goodbyes at the orphanage. We keep thinking that we will be laving tomorrow and then having more paperwork delays. So of course as long as we are in the region the girls want to see their friends. I understand but I wish we could just say one goodbye because it is taking it's toll emotionally on all of us as well as the other children. I personally have had a rough few days. Emotionally I feel raw, and physically I have not slept well in five days. Those of you who know me well, know that I do not function well on lack of sleep, which is currently close to what I felt like when I had a newborn and didn't sleep. The difference is I am not lying aroung being waited on now in the comfort of my home!!! I am hiking all over town and my new children are a bit more difficult and sleep a great deal less :)

Today was one frustration after another - the girls broke my phone and I had trouble communicating with the phone store people to fix it. We locked ourselves out of our apartment all day. We bought a gift for one of the kids and lost it. We got stuck at the orphanage for at least two hours more than we planned and were all starving (another really bad combo with no sleep and my hypoglycemia). We have had a few confrontations (minor but still hard) with the girls - we are all on our last straws emotionally... And last and definitely not least - we found out that we were not going to be able to leave for Kiev today. Breathe in, breathe out. I need my little red shoes soooo bad!!! "There is no place like home, there is no place like home!"



Back to the goodbyes, the emotions have been hard to contain. I have had to constantly tell myself that I cannot break down in front of the kids. But it has torn my heart to leave these precious children. We love them so much. And they are so heartbroken. They are grieving in different ways - some cry, some retreat and shutdown, some get just overly hyper... It would be easier for all if we had not spent countless hours the past four weeks playing with them, talking, taking quiet walks, playing soccer, playing Uno, and just loving the children that will remain orphans. For four weeks they have embraced us, allowed us into their world, taught us silly games, taught us Ukrainian. We have wanted to bless them by showing them that their tricks on the monkey bars, their dances that they've learned, their goofy games, their songs that they make up, and everything else about them is important and precious and worthwhile. We have tried to hug and love and encourage every second that we are with them. But now, we have come to love them more. And they have come to love us more. So while we are thankful that we had this time with this precious group of children, it makes these goodbyes indescribably hard. I love too many children that I cannot help. Oh Lord, please love these children. Please bless them. Please give them hope. Please hold them. And please comfort Zach, Katya, Nastya and I as our hearts break to say goodbye. It is hard to love and leave. Easier to close our hearts and not love. But that of course is not the answer. We are forever changed - our hearts have stretched bigger and the stretching is painful. Thank you Lord for this precious time with each one of these precious children, and even for the pain - because we can take it You knowing that You love them far more than we ever could.

If you are considering adoption or if you feel that tug at your heart, don't let it pass. Pray and see if this is how God wants you to love. He will show you and He just might have a child to bring home - to you. Or maybe there is another calling for you. But somehow each of us is called to in some way love the orphans and widows. Ask him how. One thing we can do is pray. If you would like a child to pray for, let me know and I will send you a name, a little info and a picture. I promised Tanya, Galyna, Masha, Tanya, Yana, Alena, Vika, Vera, Olga, Vova, and Oleg that we would pray for them regularly. I could use some help in this! (Sorry I have not emailed you back Anna - will do so very soon!)

As sweet, wonderful Vika tearfully told me as we got into the taxi tonight, "Remember me. Please remember me." Oh how could I forget. Lord, remember them.

Gains and Losses

With all the driving around yesterday (see post below) we were able to see glimpses of the struggle that Katya is in right now. One minute she was happy and loving but the next she was sullen and pouting. She said at one point that she wanted to stay with her friends and the next minute she was hugging me, begging to leave to go to America and saying how much she loved me. I gently tell her that I love her so much and understand how hard it is to leave. I tell her that we will help her write letters and to even sometimes call her friends. I grieve for her having to face yet another loss. Even because of great gain.

She had a bit of a pout when there was a misuderstanding about what type salad she ordered at the pizza place. We fully expected this turmoil of emotions - it is difficult to leave what is familiar and the friends who have become like sisters. I think it speaks of the great longing in her heart that she never really second guesses leaving. She wants a family and it is crystal clear that the odds are not good for her here. Very bad actually. The 'here and now' is not horrible. Their basic needs are met, they have good friends, at least some of the caregivers truly show them love, there are engagin activities with school, sports, music, and dance. Despite all of that, the children do not have their needs for family and unconditional love met. They beg for hugs and crave attention. There is a hunger in their eyes and actions that you would never see in children who are in loving homes. That part of the 'here and now' is horrible. But even worse is the future - at sixteen they will leave the internot. They will be on their own with no basic life skills to manage money, find jobs, or be taught how to handle relationships. They will have no guidance, no encouragement, no mom to call when sad, no home to go to on holidays, no lasting, significant relationships that they can depend on. Very simply - no family.

Dr. David's blog recently discussed the fact that there is a prevalent lie that these children believe about the reality of their situation. A lie so deep that many older children will turn away an offer of hope. All they see is a loss of immediate gratification and freedoms.

And it would be dishonest to say that there is not a true loss for these children when they are adopted. There are significant losses. Katya feels these now. We do understand. They loose yet more relationships, familiarity, culture, language, and great deal of freedom. Simple freedoms like eating as much candy as they want, playing with fire, watching whatever on tv, dressing in whatever way they like, coming and going from the orphanage freely. What they do not realize is that these (and much worse 'freedoms' as they get older), threaten to hurt them beyond measure. For the older children it is freedom to drink excessively, smoke, have hurtful relationships with each other, steal, etc. No real 'freedom' in all that. Unspeakable sadness and pain is the reality behind the lie.

There are many gains, and from an outside, parental perspective, they clearly outweigh the current loss. We can see the bleak future and the painful present. But from a child's limited perspective it is not so clear. We understand that. We are incredibly grateful that Katya and Nastya have enough perspective and awareness of their needs to see that they need a family and need hope. Nastya - perhaps due to personality, perhaps due to age, perhaps circumstances - is just ready to go. She wants to be with us so badly. She is sad to leave her friends but doesn't really struggle with it. It melts my heart that she is so ready to go. Her joy at joining our family and finally going home outweighs her pain of leaving. But the struggle that Katya faces doesn't mean that the need in her heart is any less. In fact it might be more - she has just had more time to be convinced of and to enjoy the ever important 'freedoms'. She is unable to realize the slavery that those freedoms lead to. Why? One because she is a child. Two, because she is a child without guidance and teaching from loving parents. Three, because she is a human being. I recently commented in relation to this subject on Dr. David's blog post "Unaware of Their Peril" and thought it appropriate to add those thoughts here as well.

We are all decieved by the 'freedoms' that the world has to offer. All of us at one point don’t realize the peril of our eternal future. We think that we are really okay, really good people, or just don’t think past the alluring pleasures that this world offers. And then somehow, by the amazing grace of God, that facade is broken, and we suddenly (or sometimes gradually) come to realize our deep need for a Savior. Why are so many hearts and eyes shut to the desperate reality that we all face, apart from Christ? Why were all of our hearts closed for sometime? Because we are all decieved and, if we know Him, then somehow by the grace of God He revealed our need and His hope to us. And why me? Why did I ever see and come to Christ? I don’t know except that He pursued me when I wasn’t looking for Him and He brought me to Himself. He quite literally saved me from myself. But it wasn't easy for me. On that side, there were great losses (at least percieved) and I grieved them. I did not surrender easily and was bitter when I could only see the pain that some poor choices and life circumstances were causing me. I thought that I had lost so much. I had thought myself very happy and with a bright future. Oh and perhaps it was a bright future by how the world might measure success. But inside I was not happy and headed for worse.

Little could I see that through those difficult circumstances and losses, I was gaining everything. Oh thank you Lord that you didn't let me continue in my blindness! I see the bitterness I had towards God even when He was working good in my life. I couldn't see the future and didn't trust Him yet. I had to learn to trust as I came to know Him, and now I look back and shudder to think of all I would have missed if I had things my way. Our new daughters are learning to trust as well, but in the meantime they have fears and frustrations. I must try to love them as gently and patiently as my Father has loved me. I must protect them even when they don't think that they need it and continually remind them that I love them in the process. I must say no to things that hurt them. I must love them when they are angry and rebellious. Oh how God has lavished this type of love on me and He shows me how to love my children. And slowly I am still learning that His ways are perfect and that I can trust completely in Him - I still fail often in trusting Him. My children and I - we will learn together. I will try to copy His unconditional, redeeming love for me towards my children. I can only do this by His strength. I imagine God pouring His love into our hearts and it flowing through to them.

Why would we expect adoption to really be any different for our children than it is for us? They are facing some loss now but one day - perhaps far in the future, perhaps sooner - we pray that they will see what they gained. And that they will see that it was not us but God who is doing and will do this work in their lives.

Throughout nature as well as human history there is rarely beauty without pain. There is no good without bad, no comfort without sadness, no love without sacrifice, no gain without loss.

Philippians 3:7-8 But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ

More Big Steps Toward America!

Finally! Katya was released yesterday from the hospital. I can't imagine how great that must feel for her after 10 days of sitting in the same stuffy room. N came into town yesterday to do a gazillion paperwork things. Mid-morning we went to the orphanage and took care of some things there. We gave our orphanage donation and were once again struck by the humility and kindness of the director and the other staff members. He did everything completely by the book - recording the donation with several other members present to count the money and gave reciepts. The orphanage is clearly in need of more money than they recieve from the government and all the people who run it work for such small pay. We were happy to be able to help in at least a small way. They have had two fires in the past two days, started by a group of boys either smoking or just playing with fire. One was inside the school building on the second floor and the other was an outside storage building. Thankfully no one was hurt but there are now many damages for the orphanage to deal with...


So back to yesterday - we were given permission to go to the hospital to pick up Katya. And even better - Nastya was allowed to go with us all day! I had no idea we were going to get to spend the day with the girls out of the orphanage! So we picked Katya up and she was ecstatic - talking a million miles a minute to N, who loosely translated some of what she was saying. Zach, Katya, Nastya, and I cozied up in the back seat of N's car (her husband was driving and she was in the front). We had Nastya on my lap and Katya next to the window since the fresh air seems to help them not get carsick. Zach squeezed into the middle :) We literally drove in circles from one office to the next and back again. We had to apply for new birth certificates, have the new birth certificates legalized, and apply for new tax id numbers for the girls. Sounds simple enough except that we kept running into small problems that sent us in circles around the city. A typo here, someone having a late lunch there, a stop to get something notarized, oops another typo on one birth certificate - must retrace steps and get that fixed. But do it fast because if we aren't back in 30 minutes the person to legalize it will be gone until Monday! Unfortunately the tax id office would not issue the new number until Monday which means that we can't apply for the passports until Monday. We are still told that we can get the old, blank type (they recently changed the process) which will mean that we can apply Monday and pick it up Tuesday. If that is not the case, then it will take SEVEN days from Monday until we get the passports. Meaning that we cannot do the next steps in Kiev to get us home until then. Praying for the 'old' ones to truly be available.

I'm Being Attacked!

This is very serious.

About a week ago I awoke in the middle of the night with my upper lip tingling and swollen to the point that it almost was touching my nose - no exaageration! I began to panic and thought - what kind of allergy attack am I having? What if next I can't breathe? I took a few deep breaths, decided that, while very strange and quite uncomfortable, my life was not in immediate danger. I thankfully went back to sleep. In the morning my lip was still quite swollen and kind of curled upwards (very attractive). I remembered then that I had heard a buzzing sound in my sleep and figured it was some type of insect bite - like a killer mosquito perhaps. I could see where he had bit me!

Well last night it happenned again - I was bit not once but twice. This time they got me on my right upper eyelid (I could barely open it when I got up and now it appears that I have a droopy lid) AND on my right ear lobe. The ear itches pretty bad and is hot and swollen. I thought it was too cold for these creatures to still be alive but I guess they are some tough cookies and obviously have it out for me.

I mean Zach was right there - why not him? I guess I smelled better...

A few other random things ~ We moved to a new apartment last night. We were spoiled and now we are being humbled. I have never slept on such a lumpy, small bed. It barely fit the two of us and caved towards the middle. Not to mention that it is in this wierd closet-like room. All that fits is the bed and it is more than a little claustrophobic! Don't miss that romantic photography hanging above our heads though! Ha! Let's just say it was not the best night's sleep... Why did I forget to pack more benadryl!?!? I think one of us will try the 2 1/2 foot wide couch tonight!

So we finally quit tossing and turning and drug ourselves out of bed this morning, feeling like we had not slept at all. I was looking out the window (through one eye) and, noticing the new roof that was being constructed inches from the window, I said, "At least they are not hammering away this morning right outside our window." Not five second later the banging began in earnest and hasn't quit yet!

It has been interesting!

Another crazy thing that happened yesterday - this on a more positive note!!

It is a small world after all!

We went to eat last night at this really awesome restaurant. We walked in and to our surprise the waitress said, "Sit anywhere you like!" - in plain english! She continued to talk to us in perfect english and we asked if she was from Ukraine. She said yes but that she has spent a year and also a summer in the US on student exchange programs. We told her that we were from Texas and she almost fell over saying that she lived in this little town - New Braunfels! Then we almost fell over! She lived with David and Cathy (I think) Stewart. We don't know them but it was such an amazingly small world. She even went to Canyon high school. It was so fun talking to her and she was thrilled. Seriously, what are the odds that we would meet one of the only people in Ukraine who lived in New Braunfels? Not good!

Enough Already!!!

Can you believe it? I didn't until I saw it first hand...

Katya is STILL in the hospital. Day 9. The girl is waaaaaay more patient than I am in this regard. First we were all told 5 days and she would leave and that seemed crazy. Then we were promised that today she would leave. So we head for a quick visit to the orphanage. It had to be quick because we have to move apartments this evening and I have come down with a cold - I'm sure from the hospital!! Don't worry - I won't be coughing in front of anyone at the hospital or they might keep me too :) But at least I have antibiotics (thanks Dr. Nelson!) and other good drugs! But I am getting off subject...

So we arrived at the orphanage expecting to see both girls but only Nastya comes running up (in a sleeveless shirt - we tried to tell her that it at best 55 degrees!) and says that Katya is not back. So we head to the director's office and Alla is there. Alla is also surprised and they call the hospital but the doctors have left for the day!!! That means that she wouldn't be leaving and we couldn't get an update. Nor could we send her a message. So we did what any good parents would do :) We took a taxi to the hospital knowing that she would be very disappointed to still be there and doubly upset if we didn't come visit. Unfortunately we didn't have time to run by the market and get food. All we had was juice and a little candy. We were so wishing that we had food because she says the food there is horrible (I can only imagine). But the market was very far away and we had to rush back to pack up the apartment. Tomorrow we will take her more food - she wants fried eggs and spaghetti?!? I'll just whip that right up :)

She was sad to be there but so relieved that we came. She told us that she thought we wouldn't come and that she was crying earlier :( I wanted to cry for her. And scream too. So she has a little cough. That's it! She is barely sick - certainly no fever and not feeling bad. But she thinks the doctor said that now she is staying until Friday!!! That will be 11 days and will only give her one last night with her friends before leaving forever. So incredibly frustrating and no one will listen to us or for that matter understand us. There is more than a language difference in this communication problem!!! We are going to call in the morning and see if we can request her release tomorrow afternoon. Pray that they will do that. She really needs to have some time to say goodbye to her friends. Maybe we will be able to let her stay until Sunday evening before the girls leave with us... We are ready to take them now but also feel that she needs some time with her friends who have been like sisters the past few years.

The good aspects of this hospital stay are still good - we have had a lot of bonding time, she has felt very loved by us, I have felt very compassionate and loving to her, and maybe this frustration will actually help her be even more ready to get home to America!!! It sure does help me!! We know that this time truly is working for good and can see that even in the frustrations!

Update on Katya...

Unfortunately she is still in the hospital but we have been promised that she will be released Wednesday. Only one more day - we can do it!! She does have a bit of a cold but nothing serious - no fever or anything. She just is slightly conjested and coughs mildly. She doesn't seem to feel too bad and has been a very sport about being in the hospital. I would be freaking out but I guess she is used to it.

It has not been fun but it has also not been all bad. The positives are ~ we get to show love to her by visiting daily and bringing special, healthy treats (fruit, yogurt, sausage, juice, some candy, vitamins). This has meant so much to her. At the beginning she begged for these things and then I think she started to realize that she doesn't have to beg - that we love her and WANT to give her good things. Today she began to give us her daily requests :) and then stopped and just smiled. I could just see her thinking,"Of course you will bring these things and I don't even have to ask." We usually brought her things that she asked for as well as a little something extra and it clearly has spoken lots of love to her. She has been very cuddly and huggy and tells us how much she loves us everytime we see her. We take picture flashcards (made by Trend) and learn english words. She has learned a lot and is building her confidence. We also just point at items and learn the names (watch, door, window, hair, purse, desk, chair, etc). Today when we arrived she was sitting on her bed doing math problems from her textbook even though it was not assigned. She just liked it!! And I actually got to see what kind of math she was doing.

Oh, and a clear answer to prayer that I forgot to post about last week. One day we were sitting in the girls bedroom at the internot, playing Uno. Katya all the sudden asks about school in America and explains that she is so worried that she will not understand anything and that she is scared. She and Nastya were also very concerned about being put into separate classes.

Well, we have been praying about how to tell her that she will be homeschooled in America and expected some initial resistance to this announcement... We had prepared our speech to have through the translator- complete with a list of pros for why it was good and how fun it would be. When the girls were in Texas this summer, Katya kept saying that she wanted to go to American school so bad, and she wanted to be in any kind of social situations. We are certain that this is the right thing for the girls to be homeschooled this year to have time to bond with us, to learn English, to build confidence, to learn what it means to be in a family, to be sheltered until they are better able to make wise decisions in difficult social situations. It made the decision even easier that we are not in a great school district and the only private schools nearby would not be equipped to meet the specific needs of language and other things that they will need. So being confident in this decision we were concerned about how to present it to the girls.

So it was great that all the sudden, with no warning, we had this open door to discuss the homeschool plan. We looked at her and Nastya, and Zach told her that I would be her teacher at home and that he would teach sometimes too. They both smiled. I told her that I would help her learn English and that she would also learn on the computer (she like Rosetta Stone this summer and made great progress). She was amazed and kept saying, "Momma, teacher?!?" All with a big smile on her face. So, the cat is out of the bag with a good first response. All I can say is, "Thank you Lord"! I thought this was going to be a much harder issue. She may feel differently at times when Allee is doing neat stuff at school but this is a great start.

Now if I can just figure out exactly how I am going to teach two girls who don't understand 90% of what I am saying... I have lots of ideas (great ones from some of you blog friends!) but just need to put it together... Any ideas from any of you who have homeschooled older internationally-adopted children are welcome! I specifically would love ideas for how you got started the first few weeks - like what type of schedule you had and what you did other than math and english...